Abstract

When I was six, maybe seven, my father said I would be disowned if I ended up a faggot. Twenty years have passed since I learned to perform as someone else around my father. As I come to terms with our irreparable estrangement, I present a question to the father I fail to connect with and to an imagined man: What if you were my fucked up dad and I was your fucked up boy and we cried together? This line of inquiry is the very title of my multimedia series, framing concepts of projection, queer desire, fatherhood, role-playing, and fantasy. In response to the silences my dad left behind, I have brought into existence Sinu, a person who could fill those gaps, as an effort to understand how care and desire can coexist in the same body. Our histories—my father’s, Sinu’s, and mine—smear across cut pharmacy prints, stereograms, karaoke, rubbing transfers, and my body as I reconcile with a wavering sense of self. The very disparate nature of my practice reflects my restless search for a history that can make space for who I am within a culture that cannot, with fantasy becoming another language to speak with when words falter. Through postmemory and the queer archive, I attempt to understand my father’s past through the scraps of memories and photographs I do possess. I can start to remember my dad as someone who tried by reorienting myself with our histories to give a generosity we did not receive. I can start to dream for myself and for him.

Publication Date

4-29-2026

Document Type

Thesis

Student Type

Graduate

Degree Name

Photography and Related Media (MFA)

Department, Program, or Center

Photographic Arts and Sciences, School of

College

College of Art and Design

Advisor

Joshua Thorson

Advisor/Committee Member

Juan Orrantia

Campus

RIT – Main Campus

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